defeated

There have been many times I thought I had this thing figured out. I've managed to get 2 kids, 4 dogs, and 4 adults fed 3 meals including snacks. I've cleaned, let dogs out, done laundry and gotten 2 kids to nap simultaneously. There are other times, like today, when I feel like its my first day in life. Nothing seems to happen well. I can't even remember before noon today. Except that it clearly was my responsibility to feed the dogs and let them out because I don't go to work. Thats where my "day!" begins. Nap time. I have such hope in my veins. Quiet time to accomplish nothing or everything. I say Kristin's prayer and put her into bed and tuck her in. I pick up Daxton and take him into my parents room. That is where my rocker lives because there is no room in the kids or my room for my rocker. I get him to fall asleep. I stand up and its 12:25. I figure Kristin has fallen asleep. As I am walking my mother's dog decides to jump off her bed waking daxton. I shhh at him and freeze, his eyes drift back closed. The dog walks behind us and his nails on the hardwood again wake Daxton. I go into the bedroom and the door opening against the carpet wakes him even more. Then wouldn't ya know Kristin rolls over looks at me and says have yogurt? ARG baby really awake. It took me 2 hours to get the kids to nap. Daxton wakes up after an hour. Clearly by mistake because he is still tried but can't seem to fall back to sleep. The dogs barking wakes Kristin up shortly after. So off to do errands. First to the post office. Somehow I forget the address at home for the package I am going to mail. But of course I don't realize until I am there with Kristin not listening and Daxton's rain boots falling off and him wanting down. I must look like the worst parent ever. Everyone was staring at me.... not a good feeling. Finally the text message arrives with the address and we can go. Then to the next store to look for frames. I had told Kristin that because of her behavior in the post office she had to go in the cart at the store. She made it known to everyone in the store she didn't want to be in there. But it took so much effort to get to the point I couldn't see turning around without looking for the frames. Luckily she settled in. As I am looking for something they didn't have I hear crunching! She has found a "do not eat" packet and started to eat it!!!! ARG again. I feel like the worst parent. I looked away for a moment. Daxton's rain boot kept falling off so I was carrying them clearly then Kristin wanted hers off too. After plenty of searching we left. Home bound I feel utterly defeated by the day and my children. Now its already 5:45 so I figure everyone will be home. Nope, just bill. Meanwhile he comes home to no fed dogs, the clean dishes still in the dishwasher and dirty ones in the sink and two baskets of laundry at the bottom of the stairs to remind me to do them. 7:15 still no one else home. I decided that I had to feed the children. Kristin won't eat. "no like it" she kept saying. I have no idea why because she couldn't get enough of the pork chop 2 nights ago. I tried to go pee and I can't even do that easily! Daxton is in the cabinets and in the trash and climbing on Kristin's stool. So while I am trying to pee I am grabbing at him so he doesn't get hurt. D comes home from work at 7:45 as I am getting Dax in his pjs. He took Kristin I suppose he wanted to feel of some help today. I finally once again get Daxton to sleep and ring ring the phone. Perfect timing!!!! REALLY?!?!?!? At 8:00 I had no more left and left the room. Luckily he didn't freak out as badly as I thought he would. Sitting on the bed I felt so sad. The door without a knock opens because of course I can't get privacy. I got fussed at because I didn't have dinner for the other 3 adults!!!!!!! two of them didn't even get home from "work" until after 7:45 and I'm still responsible for their dinner? Its leftover night open the fridge and eat what you see!!!! I can't even talk about the food I could puke I'm so depressed after the day... but hey at least Kristin thinks puke is funny. After being told I was on strike!?! I was then even kicked out of the bedroom!!!!! I went to the family room picked up Kristin's toys and cried. Honestly I can't believe that was my day. I know I am the only one who chooses how I feel but I have tried so hard to feel happy and in control but today, I don't. at all.

Situations

What is it about situations that make you feel the way you do? Past personal experiences? stories you've read? other peoples reactions? Last week started with Kristin locking herself in my mother's bathroom by mistake. Inside locks typically lock by bottom, knob, or twist and on the other side is a tiny hole that if you take an unfolded paperclip you can unlock it. Well along the years this unlocking knob had been replaced with a "decorative" knob. When Mom asked Kristin to come out she said she was stuck. I tried coaching Kristin on unlocking it herself but was unsuccessful. I tried my best to stay and sound calm but I was extremely nervous. D ran to get some tools to take the handle/lock off. We had to have her pull off the handle on the inside to free her which she was eventually able to do.... Fast forward to Friday. After leaving the house two hours late to leave for my grandparents we arrive, without flowers which is a whole different story in and of itself. They get pizza for dinner and as we are finishing Kristin asks to be excused. The problem came about when she tried to push her chair back. All the other places she has eaten there hasn't ever been a carpet under her chair. So when she tried to push back she pushed over. She was sitting on her knees so she ended up standing but hit her chin on something on the way. Kristin also bit her tongue. Blood is gushing from her mouth and somehow she flies over DW who takes Daxton from me into my arms. I take her into the bathroom to try to see. She doesn't want to take her check off my shoulder so I can't see I just see blood. Finally I see her chin and know we are ER bound. Throughout this whole time I am so much more calm than I was when she was locked in the bathroom. Go figure. We end up leaving the e.r. luckily with only glue to shut it and her having had her first ever popsicle. But why on earth was I more nervous when she was locked in the bathroom than sitting in the ER??? The only thing I can reason is that I could not see her in the bathroom but I could see her and hold her even throughout Friday night.